Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
