remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
