I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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