the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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