I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
