hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
