note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
