how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
