maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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