ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
