I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
