Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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