and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
