is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
