This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
