omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
