If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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