He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
