So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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