I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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