While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
