Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
