it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
