My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
