Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
