My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
