so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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