yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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