I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
