My hair reeks of homosexuality.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
