ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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