Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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