I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm just crazy horny about you
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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