Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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