Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
