He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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