I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
