You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
