Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
