Cold hands, warm shart.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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