if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
