It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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