i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
