Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
