Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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