i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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