My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize