well most of my day revolves around power hour
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
