I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
