did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
