Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
