I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was confusing and full of hummus
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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