Please don't use social media to get back at me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
