if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
