I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
