Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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