and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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