when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
