I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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