3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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