she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
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We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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