she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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