Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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