My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
