Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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