you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
