So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
