Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
